Learning about Vocation

My Dear Friends and Family,

I realize it has been some time since I last updated my blog. I always have great plans for being more faithful to post things....but then life happens...and yea. I think we all know the story. :) But here I am again! Happy to be sharing a little about my world again with you here at seminary.

It's currently late at night, and I should be sleeping, but it's one of those nights where my mind won't quiet down. It's usually nights like this when I start writing. 

I am currently in my last semester at St. Vladimir's. It is hard to believe that soon I will be on the next journey in my life. Here I am again worrying about what's next. The truth is, I don't know what's next. All I know is that God knows. 

As I think about what I might be doing after I finish seminary, I have been learning/thinking a lot lately about LIFE - specifically, WHAT ARE WE AS CHRISTIANS CALLED TO DO/BE IN THIS LIFE? On the brink of having to make big life decisions, this question haunts me. Thankfully, I'm writing my thesis on a related topic. That's right, Christian vocation is my thesis topic. Not vocation as in priestly vocation or another vocation such as this, rather, vocation as in what does God call every human being to do in life. What is Christ's calling on our lives and how do we live out that calling? Sound therapeutic? Yea, I was incredibly thankful for a wise man who knew me well enough to suggest this topic to me. I'm already learning so much, and it's all very comforting. 

Just a few takeaways from my studies on vocation so far:
So often we are tempted to think that Christ's calling on our life is working a specific job or living a "wild and free" life full of adventures and seeing the world. Sometimes our lives seem mundane and empty. Often we feel as if we are being left behind. Like we are missing out on some "other life" that God has really called us to. We think, "Surely this is not where God wants me to be right now." But the truth is, God is NOT hiding a secret, awesome life from you. You are right where God wants you to be. This doesn't mean that we are stuck but that God has a purpose. God is working in this moment.We can take comfort in this promise.  

Let me repeat: YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE GOD WANTS YOU TO BE. God has placed you right where you are for a reason, and he is using every moment to grow you into his likeness. 

God's purpose for every human being is that we grow more and more into his likeness. No matter where we are, he gives us opportunities to put our ways aside and act out of love for Him and our neighbor. In this sense, we all have the same vocation. Our vocation is to love those around us and grow more into the likeness of Christ right where we are. That doesn't mean that God never leads us to new places in life. Our lives change everyday. Praying and being open to God's leading is key.

How many times have I been too busy to stop and talk with someone who clearly needed someone to talk to? How many times has my agenda interfered with opportunities God gave me to be obedient to Him and serve my neighbor? It is so hard for me to put aside what I want to do and be flexible in the little things that pop up throughout the day. But that is a huge part of our vocation - be open to small opportunities that God gives us. I am SO bad at this.

Friends, this world tells us we have to be somebody, we have to follow our dreams and find our dream job, we have to be successful. The truth is, all of these things might play a part in our vocation - God often grants us dreams or nice jobs, or sometimes he doesn't - but the core of our vocation is to grow more and more into the likeness and image of Christ. We do this by loving our neighbor, seeking God through prayer, fasting, reading the Scriptures, participating in the liturgical life of the church, and pursuing other practices that draw the soul closer to God. That is our vocation. And it takes place in a million different forms in life.

In the past and as questions about future endeavors pop up, I have struggled with despair about my purpose, wondering if I'm where God wants me to be. The answer is, yes, I am where God wants me to be. My task is to seek God in this place. To wrestle with my struggles and sins and seek to grow evermore into Christ's likeness. We need no other vocation than this. This is enough work for a lifetime. 

I do not pretend to be an expert on this topic. I have only begun to work on my thesis, and there have been much more intelligent minds who have studied this topic. I feel blessed to be studying vocation at such an applicable time in my life. 

Living a life dedicated to Christ is often a huge sacrifice in and of itself. I have not had to suffer very much in my life, but some do have to suffer a great deal and through their suffering find Christ. Some people tragically die young or have very little possessions in life. The beautiful thing is that God has made everyone in his image, and he is aware of every life that cries out to him, and each life has a purpose in the Lord. God has loved and has given us all the same calling - to love him and those around us.

The idea of vocation is summed up beautifully in the following quote: "It's not about what I do, but how I can be a witness of Christ in whatever I do." and this one: "We do not become spiritual by abandoning human activity, but by transforming it." And this one: "Vocation is a response to God's loving act of dying on the cross. The life of Orthodox Christians will express gratitude through devoting their entire selves to God - heart, soul, mind, and strength." All of these quotes are from the book Christ at Work by Ann Mitsakos Bezzerides.

John 15:16a - "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide."

So next time the water temperature changes 37 times during my shower, or I spill coffee on my way to class, or I feel as if I can't read one more sentence about ousia or hypostesis, or I can't bear to see that person again at dinner, or whatever it is. I will try to see an opportunity to thank God for a chance to have a good attitude and grow in small ways into his likeness. HA! This will take work. Lots of work. But Christ has called me to it, so may his will be done. 

Please keep me in your prayers! Praying for you as well.

Love, love, love you all!

~Sara

This is kind of a long passage, but St. Paul sums this whole idea up beautifully with his words from Philippians 2:

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any incentive of love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant,[a] being born in the likeness of men.8 And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

14 Do all things without grumbling or questioning, 15 that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. 17 Even if I am to be poured as a libation upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. 18 Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me."

The Wise Thief

This is one of my favorite songs from Holy Week so far. It's hauntingly beautiful and a reminder of how our hearts should be like the wise thief who humbly asked for Christ's saving mercy as he hung next to the Savior on the cross. This was sung last night by the mixed choir here at Saint Vladimir's (the choir I'm in) in reflection of Christ's crucifixion on Holy Thursday. I hope the rest of your week is wonderful. Soon we will cry "Christ is risen" and celebrate!!! Sorry that the music quality isn't the best.

"The wise thief didst Thou make worthy of 

paradise in a single moment, O Lord. By the 

wood of Thy cross illumine me as well, and 

save me." 

Love, love, love you all!

Lenten Reflection

Dear Family and Friends,

It's hard to believe that the end of Lent draws near and Holy Week is upon us. It is amazing to think that Palm Sunday is almost here and our journey with Christ starting from Jerusalem and leading to his death and resurrection is about to begin. 

Our two week "break" from classes began today. Since we didn't get a spring break, we are all very ready for a change of pace. Even though Holy Week won't really count as a break, I know we are all glad we don't have to attend classes for a while. I stood in the chapel this evening feeling very much at peace knowing we can just focus on services this week. 

Lately, I really feel as if I've settled into life here. It's taken long enough, right? Not that I've been unsettled this whole time, but I think it's more that my heart is settling into my situation here and accepting things more. I love that winter is finally melting away and that flowers are starting to bloom and the wind is blowing. I've been noticing the birds chirping a lot lately - it's amazing how encouraging such a little thing is. Birds are always so cheerful and a reminder of God's provision. Ok, I know I'm being a little cheesy but seriously! I need to listen to their little songs more. 

I've been reading through a book off and on during Lent for fun; although, there isn't a whole lot of time for "fun" reading it seems. The book is The Orthodox Way by His Grace Bishop Kallistos Ware. This book is very rich. It's hard for me to get through it fast, because I keep wanting to stop and write down quotes! Even though I've only made it through a couple chapters, it has given me a lot to ponder. So far, Bishop Ware has talked a lot about the heart and our relationship with Christ. How deeply personal our relationship with God is meant to be. It has caused me to think a lot about love; in particular, God's love for us and what that was intended to look like from the beginning of creation. He talks about how deep the heart is and how Christ dwells there. 

I wanted to share one quote I recorded from the book. The quote is actually from Saint Symeon the New Theologian, but it was included in one of the chapters I read. I found it incredibly beautiful and deep. It talks about how Christ has broken through every barrier to live in our hearts. I don't think I reflect enough on the miracle that the creator and savior of the world lives within my heart. That is an unfathomable mystery. I hope this quote gives you something to ponder as we move toward the celebration of Christ's resurrection.

"I know that the immovable comes down; 

I know that the invisible appears to me; 

I know that he who is far outside the whole creation 

Takes me within himself and hides me in his arms,

And then I find myself outside the whole world.

I, a frail, small mortal in the world,

Behold the creator of the world, all of him within myself;

And I know that I shall not die, for I am within the Life,

I have the whole of Life springing up as a fountain within me. 

He is in my heart, He is in heaven:

Both there and here he shows himself to me with equal glory."

Love, love, love you all!

P.s. Some mission opportunities for the summer and possibly after graduation have come up recently. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for discernment, guidance, and provision. :)

Silence is Often Loud

Icon of the Good Shepherd

Dear Family and Friends,

I know it has been much too long since I updated my blog. This semester has been pretty overwhelming, but that's the way it goes. I think I'm starting to get used to the fact that seminary holds challenges, and there will always be new challenges, and that's never going to change haha. That keeps me trusting God, though, so it's a good thing, I suppose.

Speaking of trusting God, am I the only one who has had a rather difficult time of doing that lately? I have found myself to be somewhat confused by life recently. I desire to seek God, I desire to trust God, but sometimes that's really hard when I don't feel Him close and when it seems as if He is not giving me "clear direction" in my life. As a twenty-three year old (so ancient I know) single woman, I envisioned my life to be very different than what it is at the moment when I was, say, 18. I find it most frustrating when it seems like I'm doing everything in my power to seek God, yet I feel as if I'm walking blind. There are not many things more terrifying than taking a step of faith into the unknown and saying "ok God, I had plans for my life, those plans didn't go the way I thought, so I am here because I want to seek you, and now I'm trying to seek you, but I'm not sure exactly where you're leading me...and I don't really feel you close...." and so on.

Faith. Trust. Patience.

Something I'm coming to realize about myself is that I have spent my whole life going, going, going without much time to be still and take time to listen and be truly silent. Now I'm at seminary, and though there's plenty to do, there's also plenty of alone time with just me and God. One thing I'm finding is that those times of silence and contemplation are sometimes the most terrifying. When I have lots of quiet/alone time, I also have lots of alone in my head time, and honestly, those are some of the hardest times for me to get through. I'm faced with my deepest struggles, with loneliness, with many moments where, when it comes down to it, I would rather not be alone with God after all. Often, I am faced with things I don't want to be faced with. I have to acknowledge that maybe the reason I feel so distant from God is because I've been filling my life with distractions and noise. Maybe before Christ speaks quietly like He does, I have to be silent enough in my heart to hear His gentle voice. This isn't some magical thing where I *feel God*, it requires perseverance and faith and trust. Patience too. I find that the more time I spend in silence or alone with God, the more comforting and peaceful the silence becomes. But I am only beginning this journey.

I also find that I want answers right now. I don't want to follow God blindly, because it's scary and I want to know He's leading me somewhere I actually want to go!

I was very convicted about this a couple days ago, especially. I've been thinking that maybe I'm somehow missing out on some other life I could or should have had and doubting that where God has me is for the best. I have been hanging onto my own plans and dreams instead of saying, "Ok God, I know you love me, therefore, I know whatever you have in store for me is what's best...and whatever I left behind or had planned for myself was/is not what's best for me." I have been wanting to hang on to the past and the plans I had. Now I'm realizing by doing that I am not trusting that God has His best in mind for me. I am His child and the sheep of his pasture. Sometimes letting go of my own desires and seeking God's desires is the hardest thing in the world, but also the most freeing. The funny thing is, I didn't realize I was hanging onto those old plans and desires until I got here. Funny how that works. Anyway, it's so easy to forget that God's desires for my life are so much greater than what I could have planned myself. I may not be able to understand what He is up to right now and why he is silent at the moment, but I can trust that His plan is for my best. I am always able to look back and see His gracious plan weaving my life into an image I could never have constructed with my own measly stitches.

A very special person recently gave me a couple pieces of advice. My priest, Fr. John, has been such a blessing to our family, and his council has helped me through many tough situations. I recently conveyed these particular struggles to him, and he reminded me of something very simple, yet so important. He said, "Sara, sometimes all we can do is continue to seek God in faith and trust that He will bless us for it in the end." He reminded me of the woman in Matthew 15 who was continually seeking Christ in faith even to the point where Christ reminded her of her unworthiness. But her faith was so persistent, she would not give up until Christ had healed her daughter. She had unyielding faith in Christ and pursued Him even while she was aware of her utter unworthiness, and Christ blessed her for her faith in the end. This story of faith has been on my mind a lot since Fr. John reminded me of it. I was convicted about how my faith is often so weak. I often lose faith in Christ even in the slightest trial. I want my faith to be unyielding. I want to have full confidence that when I seek Christ in faith, He will not let me down. Not only that, but I never want to doubt His unfailing love for me and His tender care in my life. I really want everyone else to have that assurance too.

Even more recently Fr. John said in response to my struggles, "That sounds a lot like Abraham."

Hmm. What did Abraham do? God called him out. Abraham had no idea where God was taking him. He had no idea the key role he would play in God's plan of salvation. He simply followed God in faith and the effects of that step of faith have surpassed all imagination.

I have no idea what is waiting for me in the future, but I am incredibly blessed to have the promise of God's faithfulness in my life. I just pray for the strength to live every day in faith and perseverance even when I have no idea what the Lord is up to.

Friends, I need your prayers on this journey. I'm praying for you too.

I miss you all immensely.

One of my favorite hymns during liturgy, also Psalm 33 (34):
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me;
And He delivered me from all my sojourning.
Come to Him, and be enlightened.
And your face shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him from all his afflictions."

Love, love, love you all!!

A Quote

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to share a quick quote.

This quote from the book The Beginnings of a Life of Prayer by Archimandrite Irenei is incredibly beautiful and profound. The monastic life is a very unique and wonderful calling. When first looking into Orthodoxy, I was impacted by the ascetic-type lifestyle it encouraged. In a way, all Christians are called to be monastic, to take on Christ's identity as much as we are able. This is not a simple task but one that God is faithful to help us achieve.

"Christianity is a life rooted in Christ's own. Its charge is not to live for self but to live for Christ; and its goal is not satisfaction but transformation. The Christian is called to become, to enter into a newness of life that is another's - that is Christ's. He is to discover the "self" of his current existence, precisely so that he can work to change it into a life not defined by his will, but defined and made real by another - by God Himself. The life in Christ is a life transformation into a new man. It is a life that works toward resurrection, when the body of this death shall pass away and the glorified man will know the Lord of Glory."

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Gal. 2:20

Love, love, love you all :)

Giving Thanks for ALL Things

I'm thankful for these people and the rest of our St. Vlad's family who aren't in this picture. :)

Dear Family and Friends,

As the end of the semester draws near, I'm beginning to feel the pressure of finals - final papers, final tests, and all the extra stress that comes along with that. 

Along the same lines, as Thanksgiving approaches, my homesickness increases. This will be my first Thanksgiving away from my family, and, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really sad about it. Thankfully, my St. Vlad's family and I are planning to have our own little celebration and cook our favorite foods and share them with each other. My friend, Mirjana, and I have assigned the men to cook the turkey, and we will attempt to cook everything else. Should be interesting but fun! :) I'm grateful for my friends here. :)

Last night, a few of us participated in an informal reflection time led by a fellow classmate. We've had reflection meetings on a couple different occasions this semester where several of us will get together and reflect on what's been going on with us personally during our time here. It's really easy to get caught up in our internal thoughts and struggles and not take the time to process what's really going on in our hearts. The purpose of these meetings is to do just that - reflect. It's really important to talk through what's going on internally and not keep everything inside. Often, many of us are struggling with the same things without even realizing it.

Several topics we talked about during our discussion spoke to my heart, so I would like to share a couple thoughts. 

Since coming to seminary, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have encountered many unexpected challenges. Personal challenges. Things like feeling inadequate, feeling like a horrible person, etc. Often, I have been faced with challenges that I may never have had to deal with outside of the atmosphere of seminary. Lately, now that the semester is coming to a close, things have been getting more overwhelming, and I have been pretty discouraged, even to the point where I've been asking myself, "What am I doing here?" "Is this really where God wants me?" "Are things supposed to be this hard???" 

In our discussion group tonight, we talked about relying on things other than God for happiness and strength. We often focus on "the good ol' days" back when we were "happy" and we think, "If I could just be there again, everything would be ok." Or, we look to the future thinking, "If God would just give me [insert thing here] then I would be happy." Some areas I've been drawing strength from other than God are my parents and my friends back home. While there's nothing wrong with this in general, I have been taking it to an unhealthy level. I keep saying in my mind, "If I could just talk with my parents and be with them for a little while or with my friends, everything would be ok." Or I think of going home for Christmas break, and I tell myself that I will feel normal again and "happy" when I'm back home with the people I love and the place I love. It is so tempting to want to put my trust in the circumstances that I'm comfortable with. I want to run to those places I know well and not face the new, uncomfortable challenges at my doorstep.

Woah! Wait a second, as we discussed last night, what is this mindset saying? What is the goal of all these thoughts that have been going through my head? "Comfort" and "Happiness". Hmm, are those the goals I should be striving for? It was pointed out to the group that when trials come up in life, when we are forced to face something about ourselves that is difficult to face, when we get uncomfortable, we tend to long to return to that comforting place in which we previously resided or long for things that we think will make us happy. We don't want to face struggles or issues about ourselves that aren't pretty, because it's uncomfortable. As our discussion leader pointed out, it's when we are uncomfortable, it's when we are forced to see our undeniable need for Christ and our inadequacies, that we grow. Yes, it's easier to go about our lives feeling good about ourselves and living the way we're used to - comfortably - but God calls us to continually grow more into His likeness. This does not happen easily. Oftentimes, we have to experience discomfort to grow. 

Gah, so when I feel discomfort or get discouraged or see something about myself that needs changing, maybe I shouldn't reminisce about the times when I didn't feel that way. Maybe I should be thanking God for the opportunity He's given me to grow in that moment.

I realize that I've been relying on myself a lot lately. I've been looking inside myself to try and answer the many questions I have had about the future and so on. I've been relying on MYSELF to FIX myself. I SHOULD BE SMARTER. I SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS. I SHOULD HAVE EVERYTHING TOGETHER. As hard as it is, through the discussion tonight, I am forced to acknowledge that I have not been searching out answers in the only place they can be found:in Christ. I have been looking at all my inadequacies and feeling sorry for myself instead of seeing my trials and shortcomings as a way to grow. It's incredible that Christ works through the bleakest moments to grow us into his likeness. It's so easy to trust God when things are going well and we feel great about ourselves, but can I trust in him when I am pushed to my limits? When I am the most uncomfortable I have ever been? When I don't feel him or understand how he is working? When everything seems bleak, will I trust him? Wow, what a task. But how wonderful to know that the deepest formation happens through the deepest trials. If I've learned anything at seminary so far, I've learned that growth happens when we stop pretending and start truly acknowledging our shortfalls. Through this acknowledgement, how much more do we understand Christ's grace in our lives? When we trust that he will use the deepest trials in our lives for good. 

Last week, we had a seminary-wide Thanksgiving meal. With Advent beginning this week, they decided to celebrate Thanksgiving as a community a little early. After the meal, Fr. John Behr reminded us that it is wonderful to remember and be thankful for all the good things God has blessed us with, but wanted to remind us to also thank God for all the things he has not given us. It is good to thank God for ALL things, for the hard things in life as well. Even the hardest times God uses to bless our lives and bring glory to His name. What an amazing God who knows our needs - the ones that are comfortable and the ones that are uncomfortable.

I'm really grateful for the discussion we had last night. I needed the reminder that God has me here for a reason. He is working even when, no, especially when, life is challenging. I'm so thankful for my time here. Even though I am so excited to be home for a time of refreshment, I am reminded of how important the present moment is. How important it is that I understand God to be the author of my life at every moment, especially when life is tough. 

Since this may be my last post until Christmas break, I want to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope it is a special and wonderful holiday for everyone!

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!" - Psalm 107:1

Thank you again for your continued prayers,

Love, love, love you all!!

Grief is a Cross

Dear Family and Friends,

I'm happy to tell you that midterms are officially behind me! The last several weeks have been a little insane, to say the least. This week has been more calm, which I am so thankful for!

Lately, campus life has been filled with memorizing countless church history terms, writing several papers, trying to understand Greek, random coffee break excursions, and nights with little sleep. Even in the midst of all these things, I'm so grateful to be learning so much. One of the reasons I came here was to gain a better understanding of the history and life of the church, and I'm definitely getting what I asked for!

I've also had the chance to catch up over the phone and over Skype with some friends and family over the past few weeks. It's always so encouraging to hear from my friends and family back home. Their love and support is so important to me. Special shoutouts to Rach, Abby, Anna, Deb, Hannah, Nana and of course Esther - you all have been such an encouragement to me while I've been here. Also, I really don't know what I would do without the support of my parents. Thanks for listening to my long sh-peels over the phone, my tears, and everything else. And Ben, thanks for keeping up with me even though we're about as far apart as we can be in the U.S.. :) I love you all.

I'm really excited to share with y'all that I will be going on a mission trip to New Orleans in January! Three seminarians were chosen from St. Vlad's to go on this trip sponsored by IOCC (International Orthodox Christian Charities). Seminarians from other Orthodox seminaries throughout the US will be joining us as well. We will rebuild homes for the people who are still reeling from the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. It's so easy to forget that there are still numerous amounts of people whose lives are in shambles because of this tragedy. I would appreciate your prayers for me so much!

Another thing, at the end of January, before the Spring semester begins, I will be participating in the March for Life in Washington DC! I am so excited to be part of this event! Such a great opportunity.

In this post, I'd like to share something that has been on my mind over the past several weeks (I know, there's always something I'm thinking about). This thought, in particular, is about grief. We've probably all experienced some sort of grief in our life - losing a loved one, dealing with sickness, or even going through a break-up and losing a loved one in that way. There are countless ways in which people encounter grief. I'm not claiming to be a grief counselor or anything like that haha, but I would like to share a couple things that I have learned at St. Vlad's recently.

Over the past couple months I have been working through some grief of my own. Grief that has weighed heavy on me. The kind that you can't ignore. At first, I didn't think to identify my struggle as grief. I tried to pray it away and thought, "This will pass, I'll get over it." The problem was, I wasn't getting over it. In fact, it was getting increasingly worse. I started getting really discouraged and was pretty sure I needed some guidance about the thoughts weighing heavy on my heart.

There is a very sweet man on campus named Dr. Rossi. Dr. Rossi is a clinical psychologist who has been counseling people for years. Before coming here, I listened to his podcasts on Ancient Faith Radio and really enjoyed them. I had no idea I would encounter him here on campus. Dr. Rossi is the psychologist on campus. Since the students all bring their own baggage and often need an outlet to work through things, we are able to set up appointments with him and talk about what's on in our hearts.

As much as I admire Dr. Rossi, I did NOT plan on making an appointment to speak with him about the things on my mind. I'm not sure I'll ever learn that I can't overcome struggles in my own strength. I guess that's a lesson God is continually teaching me. Anyway, I got to the point where my struggles plagued me enough that I ended up meeting with Dr. Rossi. Let me tell you, I'm so glad I did. I would like to share a few things he told me about dealing with grief. They helped me a lot, so I hope they can be a help to someone else as well. :)

First of all, when I told him about my struggles, of course, I cried and was embarrassed. He told me not to be embarrassed and then told me something interesting about tears.

He said I should never be ashamed to cry, because crying is a blessing from God. He told me that there was a study done on tears once, not fake tears, but true, sincere tears, which showed that true "tear water" is toxic. In fact, no one would be able to drink tear water. Crying releases these toxins from the body bringing physical and emotional relief. Tears are meant to be cried. It is healing for the body. So, he said, whenever you need to cry, do it, for tears are a blessing from God.

He also addressed the struggles I shared with him. He said that losing a loved one leaves a void in our heart. Often, by God's grace, we have relationships in our lives to fill that void (though it can never be fully filled by someone other than the person lost or by Christ), but we can lean on others that we love, often friends or family members,  to help bandage the wound, so to speak. Being at seminary, I have not had close relationships to fill the void left in my heart. Because of this, that void is like an open wound. He said that because I have not had those deep relationships here at seminary and have had some loneliness, the wound from the grief is very raw. All of a sudden, what I had been feeling made a lot more sense. He went on to say that, unfortunately, you cannot pray enough, go to chapel enough, wish it away enough that the grief will go away. Grief is something that is healed with time. Facing grief, not ignoring it, is what allows healing. He said I should never feel guilty about grieving - I must grieve to heal.

I will be honest, when I went to talk to him, I was hoping for a magic cure that would help my struggles disappear. Dr. Rossi gave me something better - he gave me honesty. As he told me, grief is a cross that sometimes God asks us to bear. God will give us the strength to get through it, but we must be patient with ourselves as we struggle through it, because grief is real.

After the talk, I had a new perspective on my struggles. I knew I was experiencing grief, and I knew there was no way around it. I had to just get through it by the grace of God and, yes, cry about it when necessary! This was hard to hear but good to hear, and he assured me that I would get through it with time.

Sometimes our lives are impacted by circumstances that cause us grief. I'm so thankful for Dr. Rossi's reminder to look at grief as a cross to bear. Even though his words were challenging, they reminded me of how God works in the everyday decisions of life and in our everyday circumstances. The Bible talks often about God's compassion for those who are low in spirit, for those who are brokenhearted and in need of His mercy. I'm so grateful that God is a God who loves to have mercy on us. He doesn't neglect us in our sorrow, although, sometimes it does feel that way. The thing is, God sees the outcome of our trials. He works in our lives through everything that happens and leads us to victory in the end.

I really hope these posts don't give the impression that I'm super depressed at seminary. I truly am enjoying my time here. I have learned so many new things already. I will say that every moment holds a new challenge and stretches me further. Being here constantly challenges me to face the different struggles that come up within myself. I'm so grateful for those opportunities. I really don't know exactly what God is up to through all this, but I know he's working in my heart and in the heart's of others here at St. Vlad.'s

Isaiah 43: 1-3: O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

    I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters I will be with you;

    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

    and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Here's a couple songs that have been speaking to my heart lately:

Thanks to mom for this one: :)

Also, here is a link to some podcasts by Dr. Rossi: http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/healingpresence

Thank you for continuing to remember me in your prayers!

Love, love, love you all!