Grief is a Cross

Dear Family and Friends,

I'm happy to tell you that midterms are officially behind me! The last several weeks have been a little insane, to say the least. This week has been more calm, which I am so thankful for!

Lately, campus life has been filled with memorizing countless church history terms, writing several papers, trying to understand Greek, random coffee break excursions, and nights with little sleep. Even in the midst of all these things, I'm so grateful to be learning so much. One of the reasons I came here was to gain a better understanding of the history and life of the church, and I'm definitely getting what I asked for!

I've also had the chance to catch up over the phone and over Skype with some friends and family over the past few weeks. It's always so encouraging to hear from my friends and family back home. Their love and support is so important to me. Special shoutouts to Rach, Abby, Anna, Deb, Hannah, Nana and of course Esther - you all have been such an encouragement to me while I've been here. Also, I really don't know what I would do without the support of my parents. Thanks for listening to my long sh-peels over the phone, my tears, and everything else. And Ben, thanks for keeping up with me even though we're about as far apart as we can be in the U.S.. :) I love you all.

I'm really excited to share with y'all that I will be going on a mission trip to New Orleans in January! Three seminarians were chosen from St. Vlad's to go on this trip sponsored by IOCC (International Orthodox Christian Charities). Seminarians from other Orthodox seminaries throughout the US will be joining us as well. We will rebuild homes for the people who are still reeling from the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. It's so easy to forget that there are still numerous amounts of people whose lives are in shambles because of this tragedy. I would appreciate your prayers for me so much!

Another thing, at the end of January, before the Spring semester begins, I will be participating in the March for Life in Washington DC! I am so excited to be part of this event! Such a great opportunity.

In this post, I'd like to share something that has been on my mind over the past several weeks (I know, there's always something I'm thinking about). This thought, in particular, is about grief. We've probably all experienced some sort of grief in our life - losing a loved one, dealing with sickness, or even going through a break-up and losing a loved one in that way. There are countless ways in which people encounter grief. I'm not claiming to be a grief counselor or anything like that haha, but I would like to share a couple things that I have learned at St. Vlad's recently.

Over the past couple months I have been working through some grief of my own. Grief that has weighed heavy on me. The kind that you can't ignore. At first, I didn't think to identify my struggle as grief. I tried to pray it away and thought, "This will pass, I'll get over it." The problem was, I wasn't getting over it. In fact, it was getting increasingly worse. I started getting really discouraged and was pretty sure I needed some guidance about the thoughts weighing heavy on my heart.

There is a very sweet man on campus named Dr. Rossi. Dr. Rossi is a clinical psychologist who has been counseling people for years. Before coming here, I listened to his podcasts on Ancient Faith Radio and really enjoyed them. I had no idea I would encounter him here on campus. Dr. Rossi is the psychologist on campus. Since the students all bring their own baggage and often need an outlet to work through things, we are able to set up appointments with him and talk about what's on in our hearts.

As much as I admire Dr. Rossi, I did NOT plan on making an appointment to speak with him about the things on my mind. I'm not sure I'll ever learn that I can't overcome struggles in my own strength. I guess that's a lesson God is continually teaching me. Anyway, I got to the point where my struggles plagued me enough that I ended up meeting with Dr. Rossi. Let me tell you, I'm so glad I did. I would like to share a few things he told me about dealing with grief. They helped me a lot, so I hope they can be a help to someone else as well. :)

First of all, when I told him about my struggles, of course, I cried and was embarrassed. He told me not to be embarrassed and then told me something interesting about tears.

He said I should never be ashamed to cry, because crying is a blessing from God. He told me that there was a study done on tears once, not fake tears, but true, sincere tears, which showed that true "tear water" is toxic. In fact, no one would be able to drink tear water. Crying releases these toxins from the body bringing physical and emotional relief. Tears are meant to be cried. It is healing for the body. So, he said, whenever you need to cry, do it, for tears are a blessing from God.

He also addressed the struggles I shared with him. He said that losing a loved one leaves a void in our heart. Often, by God's grace, we have relationships in our lives to fill that void (though it can never be fully filled by someone other than the person lost or by Christ), but we can lean on others that we love, often friends or family members,  to help bandage the wound, so to speak. Being at seminary, I have not had close relationships to fill the void left in my heart. Because of this, that void is like an open wound. He said that because I have not had those deep relationships here at seminary and have had some loneliness, the wound from the grief is very raw. All of a sudden, what I had been feeling made a lot more sense. He went on to say that, unfortunately, you cannot pray enough, go to chapel enough, wish it away enough that the grief will go away. Grief is something that is healed with time. Facing grief, not ignoring it, is what allows healing. He said I should never feel guilty about grieving - I must grieve to heal.

I will be honest, when I went to talk to him, I was hoping for a magic cure that would help my struggles disappear. Dr. Rossi gave me something better - he gave me honesty. As he told me, grief is a cross that sometimes God asks us to bear. God will give us the strength to get through it, but we must be patient with ourselves as we struggle through it, because grief is real.

After the talk, I had a new perspective on my struggles. I knew I was experiencing grief, and I knew there was no way around it. I had to just get through it by the grace of God and, yes, cry about it when necessary! This was hard to hear but good to hear, and he assured me that I would get through it with time.

Sometimes our lives are impacted by circumstances that cause us grief. I'm so thankful for Dr. Rossi's reminder to look at grief as a cross to bear. Even though his words were challenging, they reminded me of how God works in the everyday decisions of life and in our everyday circumstances. The Bible talks often about God's compassion for those who are low in spirit, for those who are brokenhearted and in need of His mercy. I'm so grateful that God is a God who loves to have mercy on us. He doesn't neglect us in our sorrow, although, sometimes it does feel that way. The thing is, God sees the outcome of our trials. He works in our lives through everything that happens and leads us to victory in the end.

I really hope these posts don't give the impression that I'm super depressed at seminary. I truly am enjoying my time here. I have learned so many new things already. I will say that every moment holds a new challenge and stretches me further. Being here constantly challenges me to face the different struggles that come up within myself. I'm so grateful for those opportunities. I really don't know exactly what God is up to through all this, but I know he's working in my heart and in the heart's of others here at St. Vlad.'s

Isaiah 43: 1-3: O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

    I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters I will be with you;

    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

    and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Here's a couple songs that have been speaking to my heart lately:

Thanks to mom for this one: :)

Also, here is a link to some podcasts by Dr. Rossi: http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/healingpresence

Thank you for continuing to remember me in your prayers!

Love, love, love you all!

Reality.

Hello Friends,

I know it's been a while!

This will be the my first "spiritual reflection" type post. Hopefully I can convey my jumbled thoughts and share a little bit about what I've learned so far. I honestly don't really know where to begin, but I will do my best. :)

You may be curious about what it's like as a seminarian at St. Vlad's. I've had several people ask me, "What made you want to come to seminary?" And even my fellow seminarians and I ask each other the same question, "What crazy life circumstances made you end up here?" Being asked this question forces me to wonder at it myself, "Yea, Sara, why did you come to seminary?" I think of my life back home - my nice job, my decorated apartment, my car, my friends, my family. I even think about what other roads I could have taken. I could have traveled the world! I could have gone after my "dream job". I could have pursued a number of other things. Why didn't I?

I'm not asking this question to puff myself up by saying "Oh, look at me, I left all that behind and came to seminary" or even that it would have been a bad thing if I had pursued something else. No, I can honestly say that I'm asking this question because I've been struggling with it a lot since coming here, so it's good to have this opportunity to write my thoughts on "paper".

Being here, and even before coming, I have noticed a reoccurring message that God seems to be trying to pound into my head.

That message is "face reality".

Ok....sooo? face WHAT reality?

"The reality of who you are and who I am."

Just a couple of days ago, one of the young men here studying to be a priest gave a homily (sermon) on being in denial of death. He discussed how we are constantly in denial of the fact that we are dying a little more every second of our lives. We try to drown this truth out by any means possible. We look to entertainment and hundreds of other things so we don't have to acknowledge the truth that this life is a breath, that every moment Christ gives us is precious. He talked about how we should not be in denial of death but in denial of this world. If we deny the pleasures of this world, we embrace Christ and are better able to embrace others. The reality is that this world is passing away. Do I love the world, or do I love God?

As Orthodox Christians, we've heard the concept of self-denial, denial of the passions, and denial of this world countless times. I remember when first looking into the Orthodox Faith I read a book called "Way of the Aesthetics." This book was very monastic in nature. I remember reading a section talking about denying yourself of little things, even a hot shower or a second glass of milk, which would be a practical way of telling your flesh no in small ways. My first reaction to this was disgust. Why should I have to deny myself anything? After all, hasn't Christ's death abolished any need to take actions such as this?

After further study of Orthodoxy, I was convicted about why the thought of denying myself felt so abhorrent.  Christ's very words were, "Deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow me." So why was the thought of denying myself an extra cup of coffee such a struggle? I began to wonder, "If the thought of denying myself small things is so disturbing to me, then how on earth will I deny my flesh when greater temptations of sin come along? Am I that controlled by my flesh?" This thought bothered me, but it was good because it challenged me to be honest about the state of my heart.

So often in our culture today the idea of following Christ focuses on grace and forgiveness and joy. We tend to run after this thought and think, "Yes! Christ died for me, as long as I make a decent attempt to follow him and trust Him through the hard times, I should be good to go."

But I have to ask myself, is this mindset facing the reality of the message of Christ and the depth of my sinfulness? What are the words of Christ? He undeniably speaks words of love and compassion, but what life did Christ lead, and what was the calling to his followers?

Christ's words are incredibly challenging to me. They can be very hard to swallow for those of us living in such a self-obsessed culture. He does not call His followers to simply believe in him and to live "decent" lives. His calling is radical and involves so much more. In Matthew, Christ says:

"Seek FIRST the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you."
"Broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life."
"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one or love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other."
"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."
"Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me."
"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."
"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When  he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments."
"Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

These are only a few statements made by Christ, but there are many other similar passages and parables related to this.

What does all this about the words of Christ have to do with facing reality? Christ calls us to a difficult road. It's so easy to "go with the flow" in our American society and in our Christian walks. But the fact is, Christ demands the opposite. Deny yourself. In this world you WILL have trouble. He asks us to leave everything behind. He calls us to love the unlovable. He says blessed are you when you mourn, are persecuted, low in spirit, and when the world rejects you because of your love for Christ. We are called to be counter-cultural, to a life of purity and love and sacrifice, even in the face of hatred (and he promises that we will be hated and worse). Christ also calls us to love our neighbor, to love the unlovable, to be humble, to seek HIM above all else.

Every day I am tempted to live a life that gives into the pleasures of this world. I am called out and sought after by what this world has to offer. It's true that even the seemingly most insignificant of things can manipulate our lives without us even knowing it. That cup of coffee *I have to have,* getting frustrated at a waiter who takes a little too long, or whatever it is. My flesh is in constant demand, and I answer it's ever beckoning call without hesitation, often, without even realizing it.

During orientation, Father John Behr reminded us that facing reality, ultimately, is seeing yourself in light of who Christ is. When we look to Christ who was perfect in love, humility, long-suffering, and every good thing, we can begin to see the truth of who we really are. As Fr. Behr stated, "The height with which we've come to know the Lord comes from how much we've realized our own falleness." As Christ's light shines on our hearts, we are able to see more and more the depth of our sinfulness. We see his incredible goodness and our incredible fallenness. By seeing the reality of who we are, we are able to respond to Christ in humility and find healing and learn to love others with Christ's love.

I have been forced in many ways already to face the reality of who I am in light of Christ here at seminary. It's really hard to face sin because it goes so deep and we don't know how to overcome it. But once we start to acknowledge our sinfulness, that's when healing begins. Christ promises to be with us. He reminds us that he has already overcome death, therefore, we have nothing to fear as we face the many trials that come from seeking after him. This will look different for all of His children as well. He lead me to seminary, but he does not lead all there. I truly believe He meets everyone where they are. No matter where we are in life, God will give us ways of denying ourselves and facing the reality of what he calls us to.

I want to face the reality of what Christ has called me to do in my life. I don't know what that looks like long term or where He's leading me in the future, but all I can do is seek Him. Right now, he's lead me here. All I can do is pray that my life would be based in the REALITY of who I am and who Christ is.

Thank you for bearing with me as I present my thoughts. I know there's a million other things that could be said about this.

I will leave you with this quote:

"No one can put together what has crumbled into dust, but you can restore a conscience turned to ashes; you can restore to its former beauty a soul lost and without hope. With you, there is nothing that cannot be redeemed. You are love; You are Creator and Redeemer." Kontakion 10

Love, love , love you all!