Grief is a Cross

Dear Family and Friends,

I'm happy to tell you that midterms are officially behind me! The last several weeks have been a little insane, to say the least. This week has been more calm, which I am so thankful for!

Lately, campus life has been filled with memorizing countless church history terms, writing several papers, trying to understand Greek, random coffee break excursions, and nights with little sleep. Even in the midst of all these things, I'm so grateful to be learning so much. One of the reasons I came here was to gain a better understanding of the history and life of the church, and I'm definitely getting what I asked for!

I've also had the chance to catch up over the phone and over Skype with some friends and family over the past few weeks. It's always so encouraging to hear from my friends and family back home. Their love and support is so important to me. Special shoutouts to Rach, Abby, Anna, Deb, Hannah, Nana and of course Esther - you all have been such an encouragement to me while I've been here. Also, I really don't know what I would do without the support of my parents. Thanks for listening to my long sh-peels over the phone, my tears, and everything else. And Ben, thanks for keeping up with me even though we're about as far apart as we can be in the U.S.. :) I love you all.

I'm really excited to share with y'all that I will be going on a mission trip to New Orleans in January! Three seminarians were chosen from St. Vlad's to go on this trip sponsored by IOCC (International Orthodox Christian Charities). Seminarians from other Orthodox seminaries throughout the US will be joining us as well. We will rebuild homes for the people who are still reeling from the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. It's so easy to forget that there are still numerous amounts of people whose lives are in shambles because of this tragedy. I would appreciate your prayers for me so much!

Another thing, at the end of January, before the Spring semester begins, I will be participating in the March for Life in Washington DC! I am so excited to be part of this event! Such a great opportunity.

In this post, I'd like to share something that has been on my mind over the past several weeks (I know, there's always something I'm thinking about). This thought, in particular, is about grief. We've probably all experienced some sort of grief in our life - losing a loved one, dealing with sickness, or even going through a break-up and losing a loved one in that way. There are countless ways in which people encounter grief. I'm not claiming to be a grief counselor or anything like that haha, but I would like to share a couple things that I have learned at St. Vlad's recently.

Over the past couple months I have been working through some grief of my own. Grief that has weighed heavy on me. The kind that you can't ignore. At first, I didn't think to identify my struggle as grief. I tried to pray it away and thought, "This will pass, I'll get over it." The problem was, I wasn't getting over it. In fact, it was getting increasingly worse. I started getting really discouraged and was pretty sure I needed some guidance about the thoughts weighing heavy on my heart.

There is a very sweet man on campus named Dr. Rossi. Dr. Rossi is a clinical psychologist who has been counseling people for years. Before coming here, I listened to his podcasts on Ancient Faith Radio and really enjoyed them. I had no idea I would encounter him here on campus. Dr. Rossi is the psychologist on campus. Since the students all bring their own baggage and often need an outlet to work through things, we are able to set up appointments with him and talk about what's on in our hearts.

As much as I admire Dr. Rossi, I did NOT plan on making an appointment to speak with him about the things on my mind. I'm not sure I'll ever learn that I can't overcome struggles in my own strength. I guess that's a lesson God is continually teaching me. Anyway, I got to the point where my struggles plagued me enough that I ended up meeting with Dr. Rossi. Let me tell you, I'm so glad I did. I would like to share a few things he told me about dealing with grief. They helped me a lot, so I hope they can be a help to someone else as well. :)

First of all, when I told him about my struggles, of course, I cried and was embarrassed. He told me not to be embarrassed and then told me something interesting about tears.

He said I should never be ashamed to cry, because crying is a blessing from God. He told me that there was a study done on tears once, not fake tears, but true, sincere tears, which showed that true "tear water" is toxic. In fact, no one would be able to drink tear water. Crying releases these toxins from the body bringing physical and emotional relief. Tears are meant to be cried. It is healing for the body. So, he said, whenever you need to cry, do it, for tears are a blessing from God.

He also addressed the struggles I shared with him. He said that losing a loved one leaves a void in our heart. Often, by God's grace, we have relationships in our lives to fill that void (though it can never be fully filled by someone other than the person lost or by Christ), but we can lean on others that we love, often friends or family members,  to help bandage the wound, so to speak. Being at seminary, I have not had close relationships to fill the void left in my heart. Because of this, that void is like an open wound. He said that because I have not had those deep relationships here at seminary and have had some loneliness, the wound from the grief is very raw. All of a sudden, what I had been feeling made a lot more sense. He went on to say that, unfortunately, you cannot pray enough, go to chapel enough, wish it away enough that the grief will go away. Grief is something that is healed with time. Facing grief, not ignoring it, is what allows healing. He said I should never feel guilty about grieving - I must grieve to heal.

I will be honest, when I went to talk to him, I was hoping for a magic cure that would help my struggles disappear. Dr. Rossi gave me something better - he gave me honesty. As he told me, grief is a cross that sometimes God asks us to bear. God will give us the strength to get through it, but we must be patient with ourselves as we struggle through it, because grief is real.

After the talk, I had a new perspective on my struggles. I knew I was experiencing grief, and I knew there was no way around it. I had to just get through it by the grace of God and, yes, cry about it when necessary! This was hard to hear but good to hear, and he assured me that I would get through it with time.

Sometimes our lives are impacted by circumstances that cause us grief. I'm so thankful for Dr. Rossi's reminder to look at grief as a cross to bear. Even though his words were challenging, they reminded me of how God works in the everyday decisions of life and in our everyday circumstances. The Bible talks often about God's compassion for those who are low in spirit, for those who are brokenhearted and in need of His mercy. I'm so grateful that God is a God who loves to have mercy on us. He doesn't neglect us in our sorrow, although, sometimes it does feel that way. The thing is, God sees the outcome of our trials. He works in our lives through everything that happens and leads us to victory in the end.

I really hope these posts don't give the impression that I'm super depressed at seminary. I truly am enjoying my time here. I have learned so many new things already. I will say that every moment holds a new challenge and stretches me further. Being here constantly challenges me to face the different struggles that come up within myself. I'm so grateful for those opportunities. I really don't know exactly what God is up to through all this, but I know he's working in my heart and in the heart's of others here at St. Vlad.'s

Isaiah 43: 1-3: O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

    I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters I will be with you;

    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

    and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Here's a couple songs that have been speaking to my heart lately:

Thanks to mom for this one: :)

Also, here is a link to some podcasts by Dr. Rossi: http://www.ancientfaith.com/podcasts/healingpresence

Thank you for continuing to remember me in your prayers!

Love, love, love you all!