Giving Thanks for ALL Things

I'm thankful for these people and the rest of our St. Vlad's family who aren't in this picture. :)

Dear Family and Friends,

As the end of the semester draws near, I'm beginning to feel the pressure of finals - final papers, final tests, and all the extra stress that comes along with that. 

Along the same lines, as Thanksgiving approaches, my homesickness increases. This will be my first Thanksgiving away from my family, and, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really sad about it. Thankfully, my St. Vlad's family and I are planning to have our own little celebration and cook our favorite foods and share them with each other. My friend, Mirjana, and I have assigned the men to cook the turkey, and we will attempt to cook everything else. Should be interesting but fun! :) I'm grateful for my friends here. :)

Last night, a few of us participated in an informal reflection time led by a fellow classmate. We've had reflection meetings on a couple different occasions this semester where several of us will get together and reflect on what's been going on with us personally during our time here. It's really easy to get caught up in our internal thoughts and struggles and not take the time to process what's really going on in our hearts. The purpose of these meetings is to do just that - reflect. It's really important to talk through what's going on internally and not keep everything inside. Often, many of us are struggling with the same things without even realizing it.

Several topics we talked about during our discussion spoke to my heart, so I would like to share a couple thoughts. 

Since coming to seminary, as I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have encountered many unexpected challenges. Personal challenges. Things like feeling inadequate, feeling like a horrible person, etc. Often, I have been faced with challenges that I may never have had to deal with outside of the atmosphere of seminary. Lately, now that the semester is coming to a close, things have been getting more overwhelming, and I have been pretty discouraged, even to the point where I've been asking myself, "What am I doing here?" "Is this really where God wants me?" "Are things supposed to be this hard???" 

In our discussion group tonight, we talked about relying on things other than God for happiness and strength. We often focus on "the good ol' days" back when we were "happy" and we think, "If I could just be there again, everything would be ok." Or, we look to the future thinking, "If God would just give me [insert thing here] then I would be happy." Some areas I've been drawing strength from other than God are my parents and my friends back home. While there's nothing wrong with this in general, I have been taking it to an unhealthy level. I keep saying in my mind, "If I could just talk with my parents and be with them for a little while or with my friends, everything would be ok." Or I think of going home for Christmas break, and I tell myself that I will feel normal again and "happy" when I'm back home with the people I love and the place I love. It is so tempting to want to put my trust in the circumstances that I'm comfortable with. I want to run to those places I know well and not face the new, uncomfortable challenges at my doorstep.

Woah! Wait a second, as we discussed last night, what is this mindset saying? What is the goal of all these thoughts that have been going through my head? "Comfort" and "Happiness". Hmm, are those the goals I should be striving for? It was pointed out to the group that when trials come up in life, when we are forced to face something about ourselves that is difficult to face, when we get uncomfortable, we tend to long to return to that comforting place in which we previously resided or long for things that we think will make us happy. We don't want to face struggles or issues about ourselves that aren't pretty, because it's uncomfortable. As our discussion leader pointed out, it's when we are uncomfortable, it's when we are forced to see our undeniable need for Christ and our inadequacies, that we grow. Yes, it's easier to go about our lives feeling good about ourselves and living the way we're used to - comfortably - but God calls us to continually grow more into His likeness. This does not happen easily. Oftentimes, we have to experience discomfort to grow. 

Gah, so when I feel discomfort or get discouraged or see something about myself that needs changing, maybe I shouldn't reminisce about the times when I didn't feel that way. Maybe I should be thanking God for the opportunity He's given me to grow in that moment.

I realize that I've been relying on myself a lot lately. I've been looking inside myself to try and answer the many questions I have had about the future and so on. I've been relying on MYSELF to FIX myself. I SHOULD BE SMARTER. I SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS. I SHOULD HAVE EVERYTHING TOGETHER. As hard as it is, through the discussion tonight, I am forced to acknowledge that I have not been searching out answers in the only place they can be found:in Christ. I have been looking at all my inadequacies and feeling sorry for myself instead of seeing my trials and shortcomings as a way to grow. It's incredible that Christ works through the bleakest moments to grow us into his likeness. It's so easy to trust God when things are going well and we feel great about ourselves, but can I trust in him when I am pushed to my limits? When I am the most uncomfortable I have ever been? When I don't feel him or understand how he is working? When everything seems bleak, will I trust him? Wow, what a task. But how wonderful to know that the deepest formation happens through the deepest trials. If I've learned anything at seminary so far, I've learned that growth happens when we stop pretending and start truly acknowledging our shortfalls. Through this acknowledgement, how much more do we understand Christ's grace in our lives? When we trust that he will use the deepest trials in our lives for good. 

Last week, we had a seminary-wide Thanksgiving meal. With Advent beginning this week, they decided to celebrate Thanksgiving as a community a little early. After the meal, Fr. John Behr reminded us that it is wonderful to remember and be thankful for all the good things God has blessed us with, but wanted to remind us to also thank God for all the things he has not given us. It is good to thank God for ALL things, for the hard things in life as well. Even the hardest times God uses to bless our lives and bring glory to His name. What an amazing God who knows our needs - the ones that are comfortable and the ones that are uncomfortable.

I'm really grateful for the discussion we had last night. I needed the reminder that God has me here for a reason. He is working even when, no, especially when, life is challenging. I'm so thankful for my time here. Even though I am so excited to be home for a time of refreshment, I am reminded of how important the present moment is. How important it is that I understand God to be the author of my life at every moment, especially when life is tough. 

Since this may be my last post until Christmas break, I want to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope it is a special and wonderful holiday for everyone!

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!" - Psalm 107:1

Thank you again for your continued prayers,

Love, love, love you all!!