Reality.

Hello Friends,

I know it's been a while!

This will be the my first "spiritual reflection" type post. Hopefully I can convey my jumbled thoughts and share a little bit about what I've learned so far. I honestly don't really know where to begin, but I will do my best. :)

You may be curious about what it's like as a seminarian at St. Vlad's. I've had several people ask me, "What made you want to come to seminary?" And even my fellow seminarians and I ask each other the same question, "What crazy life circumstances made you end up here?" Being asked this question forces me to wonder at it myself, "Yea, Sara, why did you come to seminary?" I think of my life back home - my nice job, my decorated apartment, my car, my friends, my family. I even think about what other roads I could have taken. I could have traveled the world! I could have gone after my "dream job". I could have pursued a number of other things. Why didn't I?

I'm not asking this question to puff myself up by saying "Oh, look at me, I left all that behind and came to seminary" or even that it would have been a bad thing if I had pursued something else. No, I can honestly say that I'm asking this question because I've been struggling with it a lot since coming here, so it's good to have this opportunity to write my thoughts on "paper".

Being here, and even before coming, I have noticed a reoccurring message that God seems to be trying to pound into my head.

That message is "face reality".

Ok....sooo? face WHAT reality?

"The reality of who you are and who I am."

Just a couple of days ago, one of the young men here studying to be a priest gave a homily (sermon) on being in denial of death. He discussed how we are constantly in denial of the fact that we are dying a little more every second of our lives. We try to drown this truth out by any means possible. We look to entertainment and hundreds of other things so we don't have to acknowledge the truth that this life is a breath, that every moment Christ gives us is precious. He talked about how we should not be in denial of death but in denial of this world. If we deny the pleasures of this world, we embrace Christ and are better able to embrace others. The reality is that this world is passing away. Do I love the world, or do I love God?

As Orthodox Christians, we've heard the concept of self-denial, denial of the passions, and denial of this world countless times. I remember when first looking into the Orthodox Faith I read a book called "Way of the Aesthetics." This book was very monastic in nature. I remember reading a section talking about denying yourself of little things, even a hot shower or a second glass of milk, which would be a practical way of telling your flesh no in small ways. My first reaction to this was disgust. Why should I have to deny myself anything? After all, hasn't Christ's death abolished any need to take actions such as this?

After further study of Orthodoxy, I was convicted about why the thought of denying myself felt so abhorrent.  Christ's very words were, "Deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow me." So why was the thought of denying myself an extra cup of coffee such a struggle? I began to wonder, "If the thought of denying myself small things is so disturbing to me, then how on earth will I deny my flesh when greater temptations of sin come along? Am I that controlled by my flesh?" This thought bothered me, but it was good because it challenged me to be honest about the state of my heart.

So often in our culture today the idea of following Christ focuses on grace and forgiveness and joy. We tend to run after this thought and think, "Yes! Christ died for me, as long as I make a decent attempt to follow him and trust Him through the hard times, I should be good to go."

But I have to ask myself, is this mindset facing the reality of the message of Christ and the depth of my sinfulness? What are the words of Christ? He undeniably speaks words of love and compassion, but what life did Christ lead, and what was the calling to his followers?

Christ's words are incredibly challenging to me. They can be very hard to swallow for those of us living in such a self-obsessed culture. He does not call His followers to simply believe in him and to live "decent" lives. His calling is radical and involves so much more. In Matthew, Christ says:

"Seek FIRST the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you."
"Broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life."
"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one or love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other."
"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."
"Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me."
"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."
"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When  he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments."
"Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."

These are only a few statements made by Christ, but there are many other similar passages and parables related to this.

What does all this about the words of Christ have to do with facing reality? Christ calls us to a difficult road. It's so easy to "go with the flow" in our American society and in our Christian walks. But the fact is, Christ demands the opposite. Deny yourself. In this world you WILL have trouble. He asks us to leave everything behind. He calls us to love the unlovable. He says blessed are you when you mourn, are persecuted, low in spirit, and when the world rejects you because of your love for Christ. We are called to be counter-cultural, to a life of purity and love and sacrifice, even in the face of hatred (and he promises that we will be hated and worse). Christ also calls us to love our neighbor, to love the unlovable, to be humble, to seek HIM above all else.

Every day I am tempted to live a life that gives into the pleasures of this world. I am called out and sought after by what this world has to offer. It's true that even the seemingly most insignificant of things can manipulate our lives without us even knowing it. That cup of coffee *I have to have,* getting frustrated at a waiter who takes a little too long, or whatever it is. My flesh is in constant demand, and I answer it's ever beckoning call without hesitation, often, without even realizing it.

During orientation, Father John Behr reminded us that facing reality, ultimately, is seeing yourself in light of who Christ is. When we look to Christ who was perfect in love, humility, long-suffering, and every good thing, we can begin to see the truth of who we really are. As Fr. Behr stated, "The height with which we've come to know the Lord comes from how much we've realized our own falleness." As Christ's light shines on our hearts, we are able to see more and more the depth of our sinfulness. We see his incredible goodness and our incredible fallenness. By seeing the reality of who we are, we are able to respond to Christ in humility and find healing and learn to love others with Christ's love.

I have been forced in many ways already to face the reality of who I am in light of Christ here at seminary. It's really hard to face sin because it goes so deep and we don't know how to overcome it. But once we start to acknowledge our sinfulness, that's when healing begins. Christ promises to be with us. He reminds us that he has already overcome death, therefore, we have nothing to fear as we face the many trials that come from seeking after him. This will look different for all of His children as well. He lead me to seminary, but he does not lead all there. I truly believe He meets everyone where they are. No matter where we are in life, God will give us ways of denying ourselves and facing the reality of what he calls us to.

I want to face the reality of what Christ has called me to do in my life. I don't know what that looks like long term or where He's leading me in the future, but all I can do is seek Him. Right now, he's lead me here. All I can do is pray that my life would be based in the REALITY of who I am and who Christ is.

Thank you for bearing with me as I present my thoughts. I know there's a million other things that could be said about this.

I will leave you with this quote:

"No one can put together what has crumbled into dust, but you can restore a conscience turned to ashes; you can restore to its former beauty a soul lost and without hope. With you, there is nothing that cannot be redeemed. You are love; You are Creator and Redeemer." Kontakion 10

Love, love , love you all!