 |
| Icon of the Good Shepherd |
I know it has been much too long since I updated my blog. This semester has been pretty overwhelming, but that's the way it goes. I think I'm starting to get used to the fact that seminary holds challenges, and there will always be new challenges, and that's never going to change haha. That keeps me trusting God, though, so it's a good thing, I suppose.
Speaking of trusting God, am I the only one who has had a rather difficult time of doing that lately? I have found myself to be somewhat confused by life recently. I desire to seek God, I desire to trust God, but sometimes that's really hard when I don't feel Him close and when it seems as if He is not giving me "clear direction" in my life. As a twenty-three year old (so ancient I know) single woman, I envisioned my life to be very different than what it is at the moment when I was, say, 18. I find it most frustrating when it seems like I'm doing everything in my power to seek God, yet I feel as if I'm walking blind. There are not many things more terrifying than taking a step of faith into the unknown and saying "ok God, I had plans for my life, those plans didn't go the way I thought, so I am here because I want to seek you, and now I'm trying to seek you, but I'm not sure exactly where you're leading me...and I don't really feel you close...." and so on.
Faith. Trust. Patience.
Something I'm coming to realize about myself is that I have spent my whole life going, going, going without much time to be still and take time to listen and be truly silent. Now I'm at seminary, and though there's plenty to do, there's also plenty of alone time with just me and God. One thing I'm finding is that those times of silence and contemplation are sometimes the most terrifying. When I have lots of quiet/alone time, I also have lots of alone in my head time, and honestly, those are some of the hardest times for me to get through. I'm faced with my deepest struggles, with loneliness, with many moments where, when it comes down to it, I would rather not be alone with God after all. Often, I am faced with things I don't want to be faced with. I have to acknowledge that maybe the reason I feel so distant from God is because I've been filling my life with distractions and noise. Maybe before Christ speaks quietly like He does, I have to be silent enough in my heart to hear His gentle voice. This isn't some magical thing where I *feel God*, it requires perseverance and faith and trust. Patience too. I find that the more time I spend in silence or alone with God, the more comforting and peaceful the silence becomes. But I am only beginning this journey.
I also find that I want answers right now. I don't want to follow God blindly, because it's scary and I want to know He's leading me somewhere I actually want to go!
I was very convicted about this a couple days ago, especially. I've been thinking that maybe I'm somehow missing out on some other life I could or should have had and doubting that where God has me is for the best. I have been hanging onto my own plans and dreams instead of saying, "Ok God, I know you love me, therefore, I know whatever you have in store for me is what's best...and whatever I left behind or had planned for myself was/is not what's best for me." I have been wanting to hang on to the past and the plans I had. Now I'm realizing by doing that I am not trusting that God has His best in mind for me. I am His child and the sheep of his pasture. Sometimes letting go of my own desires and seeking God's desires is the hardest thing in the world, but also the most freeing. The funny thing is, I didn't realize I was hanging onto those old plans and desires until I got here. Funny how that works. Anyway, it's so easy to forget that God's desires for my life are so much greater than what I could have planned myself. I may not be able to understand what He is up to right now and why he is silent at the moment, but I can trust that His plan is for my best. I am always able to look back and see His gracious plan weaving my life into an image I could never have constructed with my own measly stitches.
A very special person recently gave me a couple pieces of advice. My priest, Fr. John, has been such a blessing to our family, and his council has helped me through many tough situations. I recently conveyed these particular struggles to him, and he reminded me of something very simple, yet so important. He said, "Sara, sometimes all we can do is continue to seek God in faith and trust that He will bless us for it in the end." He reminded me of the woman in Matthew 15 who was continually seeking Christ in faith even to the point where Christ reminded her of her unworthiness. But her faith was so persistent, she would not give up until Christ had healed her daughter. She had unyielding faith in Christ and pursued Him even while she was aware of her utter unworthiness, and Christ blessed her for her faith in the end. This story of faith has been on my mind a lot since Fr. John reminded me of it. I was convicted about how my faith is often so weak. I often lose faith in Christ even in the slightest trial. I want my faith to be unyielding. I want to have full confidence that when I seek Christ in faith, He will not let me down. Not only that, but I never want to doubt His unfailing love for me and His tender care in my life. I really want everyone else to have that assurance too.
Even more recently Fr. John said in response to my struggles, "That sounds a lot like Abraham."
Hmm. What did Abraham do? God called him out. Abraham had no idea where God was taking him. He had no idea the key role he would play in God's plan of salvation. He simply followed God in faith and the effects of that step of faith have surpassed all imagination.
I have no idea what is waiting for me in the future, but I am incredibly blessed to have the promise of God's faithfulness in my life. I just pray for the strength to live every day in faith and perseverance even when I have no idea what the Lord is up to.
Friends, I need your prayers on this journey. I'm praying for you too.
I miss you all immensely.
One of my favorite hymns during liturgy, also Psalm 33 (34):
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me;
And He delivered me from all my sojourning.
Come to Him, and be enlightened.
And your face shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him from all his afflictions."
Love, love, love you all!!
No comments:
Post a Comment